


Make yourself a garden

by WickedBee



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Being Hana is Suffering, Canon Compliant, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Female Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Hanahaki AU, Multi, POV Second Person, Personal Growth, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, She is Bad at Feelings, She still tries sometimes, hanahaki, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-08 10:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12862599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WickedBee/pseuds/WickedBee
Summary: There are flowers in her throat again when Hana decides an illness will not stop her from feeling and living her life.It is her own revolution.





	1. Daisies

**Author's Note:**

> I just want see some side characters life. What they wnat? What are their dreams? Are they happy? What they will do if faced with certain situations?  
> Besides, Hana is supposed to be Kyouko best friend. Why she don't have more screentime? She is one of the most relatable characters in this show. Silly teenager girl with a crush in an older and handsome boy to whom she tries talk but couldn't because REASONS (aka Bazooka limit), see boys at her age as monkeys/idiots, is still level-headed as fuck and swims in sarcasm. She knows something strange is happening, but it is not her business so she just ignores it. Kids annoy her, just like they do with most teenagers and she loves chat with her friends.
> 
> Her name Hana Kurokawa written like "Flower from black river", so why we haven't more Hanahaki AUs with her? Or mermaids AU, for the matter? Puns people, we have to use them.
> 
> It is too a different Hanahaki interpretation. More will be explained later.

The first time it happens you are seven. Mom had helped you with some kind of exercise and you cannot stop thinking your mother is the most amazing person in the world. Ever. Maybe it is because mom always knows what to do and have a gentle voice which just _chills_ you. There is not anyone else who can do it. She is just that kind of special. You look at her with stars in your eyes and thinking Mom is better than her teacher at making her learn things when your throat starts to feel _funny_. Scratchy, even.

“Mooooom.”

“What is it dear?”. Mother’s eyes are prettier than yours and you are sticking to this truth, principally when she has laughter in them. You would like eyes like hers, but yours are just plain like your father's and there is no laugh in yours. No matter how much you want it.

“My neck is ticklish. Inside.” It is hurting a bit too, but you do not say that. You are a tough girl, you will endure.

“Hm, is that so? Do you want water? If it stays like it until tomorrow, I will bring you to the doctor, Hana.”

“Dunno. I wanna a hug.” You pout and extends your tiny arms. Mom has the laughing eyes and a small smile on her face. She is up for something. Your suspects are confirmed when you are scooped in your mother’s arms and tickled. “Haha-- MOM, PLEAS-- HAHA-- STOP!” There are tears in your eyes and you hide it with her hands. You try to catch your breath again. It is hard, feels like there is not space enough to the air enter but you manage. “Not...funny.”

“Maa Hana, I am sure it was fun.What if I make up it for you? I will let you choose the movie today.” Today? But today is Friday...

“Nop! It’s my right to choose the movie today, you forgot? You can’t offer something that is already mine. It is…” You try to remember the word. What was it? “...Unlegal?”

“I think you want to say illegal or unlawful, but alright. Let me see…” Her eyebrows creases and she makes a pout. “Movie rights for a weekend?”

“A month!”

“You are a difficult girl to appease, Hana. A day.”

“Three weekends!”

“Two weekends and we have a deal.”

“Next two weekends and I promise to not wake you up this Sunday's morning.” You do not understand why Mom likes to sleep so much in Sundays but that is okay how long you can keep yourself eating the cucumbers from the fridge. You love cucumbers.

“Look at you, establishing timelines and being already smarter than some of my coworkers. I am proud of you” She chuckles and kisses you, walking to your bedroom. “I accept your terms. Now dear, it is bedtime.” You love your mother, even when she stops funtime. You trust Mom to care of your well being.

You want to protest, to say something but the itching in your throat does not allow it. You try to talk, but something is _wrong_ and your neck is squeezing itself, you have not enough air to breathe. You pull Mom’s hair and open your mouth to try to do something. Anything, maybe a cry or a chuckle or a scream, you are okay with any sound. Instead, you start to cough. Something is being _pulled out_ and you have no idea about what is happening, but suddenly you are in the bathroom with blood dripping from your mouth. Blood does not stop being expelled and then…

And then...

And then there is not just blood.

There is something else, something soft and white besides the crimson. There is yellow and green too and because you are just strange that way, you are coughing flowers.

These were daisies, you note detachedly before passing out.

 

(Later, you are in the hospital and there were stitches itching in your body and a tube in your neck. They ask if you recognize the woman beside you. You point to your throat with an arched eyebrow and waves your hand. They give you paper and pen.

 

These people are really dumb. You write so and do not care about the smiling faces they make.

Duh.

 _Of course,_ you know whom _your mother_ is.

You just do not understand why Mom is crying after reading the answer. It sounds way too much like there is relief there. It makes no sense. Yet, it is okay, Mom does strange things sometimes. She is still incredible. You draw her flowers. Maybe that way she will be better? The movies always show people giving other flowers and talking and solving things. You cannot talk because of the stupid tube, so the flowers will have to be sufficient. You make various, to make up for her for the lack of talking.

You do not understand why she cries harder, even if she is smiling.

There is no laughter in her eyes.)


	2. What doesn't kill you shapes your life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: It is hard being evil AND small
> 
> Hi  
> The aftermath and a bit of Hana's life before Kyoko  
> Next chapter will be bigger because it will be their friendship AND teenager years

 

The doctors explain to you what happened.

 

It is when you discover flowers are pretty terrifying evil things.

Apparently, there is some kind of disease where you cough flowers called Hanahaki. But it is said to happen only when a person are in love and then flowers start to grow in their lungs. Lungs, you learn, are internal balloons which make people breath. People cough the flowers because plants in lungs _are bad_ and it is when they know they have the disease. The flowers keep growing until either a) you find yourself being loved back or b) make the cirurgy to remove the flowers or c) they grow _to suffocate_ you. The surgery is supposed to be some kind of last recourse or something, because after the surgery you forget your loved one or cannot love them again.

Flowers are terrifying and you will kick anyone say different. They grow to strangle you. In _your lungs._ These things are not supposed to grow _in lungs._ But they do and will kill you. The worst is the fact _no one_ expect flowers from all of things to do too much harm. It is kind of fascinating if this was not happening with you. In you case, it just sucks.

 

But because sucking it is not enough, your case is… different.

 

You are not in love with anyone. Boys are monkeys and girls are fluffy and maybe you would kiss one, but not now. You do not love anyone that way, except you love Mom and because of it flowers started to grow in your lungs. And throat too. And have been doing it for _years_ if the doctors are right. It was just your luck they are daisies and not roses. You touched one certain time and it _hurted._ These things have _thorns_. Thorns make balloons explode and you do not want your lungs to do it.

If the doctors are right, you have a rare kind of a rare kind of disease. Flowers will grow in your throat for every person you love. If you stop loving them, the flowers will stop growing or appearing. Apparently surgery does not stop your feelings or make you forget things, which is kind of nice, but means too the flowers will continue existing. So after some time you will have to be operated again. At least, you will keep loving Mom, daisies or no. Dad is cool and all, but he lives in another country and while you like him, even he talks that strange language of his, you do not love him.

Hanahaki means too _you cannot have friends_ because you are sure you will love them and this means more flowers. More flowers mean more things trying to kill you. Which it is just a _big no,_ you refuse to die. So, no friends. You cannot afford them. No one says it to your face, but you know that is the case. Maybe when you grow you could have one and just one friend, but you are small which means easier to kill. Like ants. It is easy to kill them because they are small, but if they were big? Not so much. You do not like being a ant so it is best if you grow up soon.

 

Flowers are _evil_ , you decide. _Evil incarnated._ Maybe it means too you are evil? You are not nice and maybe you are good but from now you are evil. You are nominated because of evil things, after all. And if you are nominated after the evil incarnated, you are supposed to destroy the world. You do not want to do it, Mom and you live in this world, after all, so no, you will not destroy the world. And how are you supposed to destroy the world? Just use an eraser on it? World destruction is a Big Responsibility and a Big Objective and you have no idea the way to achieve it, so you will put it in grow up things to do. You will ask Mom to help later. You know, just in case another Hana tries destroy this world.

You understand now why your mother was crying. Mom does not like evil things, but you are evil so you are an exception. But no more flowers to her. Ever.

 

The only awesome thing about it at all is, at least, you have a reason to not be running like a idiot. And a reason to be dispensed from Physical Education. Oh, joy. It is the first thing you say to your mother when you are out of the tube.

“Hana, no. These classes are supposed to be good you.”

“Mom, they make me smelly. and sweaty. And makes no sense. Why should I do it?” And now it is the hour to pull your card. You have to win your mother’s approval so she help you with your plan. It is easy because this is a truth too. “Besides, the other kids will look to me funny and call me names.” _More than they already do_. You do not say it, because it would worry Mom and you have worried her enough.

“Why do you think so?”

“Mom, I have scars on my back. My name could be read as nose. They will totally call me a tengu! Worse, a wingless tengu! Mom, I do not wanna be a tengu!” Wingless tengu with flower lungs. This could be a story if it was not your life. Shame.

“Why do you think they will do it? They are just kids, Hana.”

“Exactly! Kids are cruel Mom!” Now you will win her. That is your trump card.  “They call the dumb kid from the other class useless! And I get it, he is dumb monkey and clumsy and stumble on his own feet, but it is not right call people names! Not. Right. It is… illegalful? Dunno, but you process people because of it. See? Kids aren’t _just cruel,_ but _criminals_ too!”

Your mother looks to the ceiling with a faraway look. She is thinking, you know, even if you have no idea why ceilings should help your thoughts.You will ask it to her later. “And you do not tried to say anything to the teachers?

“Me? No, it isn’t my problem and no one asked for my help.” She makes a face and you wince. _Badbadbad-_ wrong answer. You can try amend it. “But I heard other kid asking and the teacher said ‘let children to be’ or something. No idea what it means, but no one has done anything to stop the name calling. Or the destruction of his things. Or when they get rough.”

“Hm…” Hands rubbing and a wicked smile in her face, your mother looks like a villain mastermind. You will do it sometime, if just for the way it looks cool. “I will arrange a way for you to be out of every PE class for the rest of your life if you play investigator to me.”

“What you mean, play investigator? Mom, I am not five!”

“Shush, will you? You see, the thing these children are doing has name: bullying. And if your school is closing it eyes for it, I have to interfere. But I need proof, proof of the bullying and proof no one is doing anything. You will gather it for me. What do you think?”

“You are asking me to collect evidance- evidunce- you know what I trying to say - against school and students? While stalking a boy without someone noticing? Me, whom is not involved in it? Mom, give me two days of kappamaki when I am out of hospital and we have a deal.” For the rest of your life? You could not think of something you would not do, except for hurt Mom and destroy the world. Everything else is fair game, but your mother always says to try wingle the best out of these interactions with her, so you charge her.

“Never said anything about stalking, Hana. But fine, I accept your terms. Be careful, okay?”

  
  
  


(It was easy find the proof Mom asked for. Really, really easy. But maybe it was because no one expected you or anyone to do so? Your mother lended you a cellphone and it was really a big help. She gave you a secretive smile and praised your good work and after it you was transferred. You forgot about it later.

 

You were seven and children still disliked you because of your wavy hair and blue eyes screaming _foreigner._ It _is not okay_ , but you will not cry and you cannot afford friends so you let it be. You learnt the sound of a broken nose. It was not yours.

 

You were eight and children still disliked you for your looks, but it was tamer and no one tried to touch you again after the stunt you pulled before. You still had no friends besides your mother, but you found a few acquaintances which you talk sometimes. You learned how to sew, how to hide a book beneath your desk, how to make people scramble away from your glares. You learnt what means to be _longing,_ not sure for what, but still longing. So you occupied yourself, otherwise you would be lonely but how you could be lonely without being alone? It makes no sense and it is wrong to feel that way, so it was for the best if you concentrated in other things. No one reaches for you.

 

And then-

_Then-_

Then you are nine and there is this honey girl with pretty smiles and full of wonder and for all you suspects it is a trap, she is dangerous,  just like the other pretty things in your life, you-

 

_You-_

 

_You never stood a chance.)_


	3. Cherry Blossoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, this new student entered in Hana's life. They are a weed.

You noticed her, just like you notice all new students. Small, very sweet and charming everyone, this is all you need to catalogue her as a Queen Bee. She will be, if she is not already, one of the popular girls. She is a special case, sure, because she is transferring in February, but it is not your business, so you do not care. You live your life just like every day before: small chat with classmates sometimes, books hidden when the teacher is explaining sometime you already know and aprimorating some skill in the P.E. classes.

 

The girl is not your business, even if she sits next you and sometimes you both take the same path to school. And if she is pleasant and you talk together when this happens, it is not a problem. “Kurokawa-chan, your hair is very beautiful. Why you don’t stylish it?”

“I don’t care so much about it, Sasagawa. It’s hard enough to keep it tame the way it is.”

“Tame?”

“Oh yeah, most people here have straight hair, you don’t know how it’s difficult to control hair’s volume.”

“I am not sure if it’s that difficult.”

“I look like a lion if I wash and do nothing about it afterwards.”

“Oh.”

“See now? You have it easy.”

  
  


“Why are you looking like a clown, Sasagawa?” No, seriously whom let her go outside today? She is looking like some kind of aberration and maybe if she was in plays you would think something different, but she is not. She is ridiculous right now, with an eyeline not honouring it’s name, a blush way too intense and red lipstick. You will not mention the freak show which is the eyeshade.

“I-it is my new look. Ayuzawa-chan did my makeup after we had a sleepover in her house.” She is fidgeting and a bit uncertain in her toes and maybe this is the first experience with makeup maybe by someone outside her mother. It is a aberration, still.

“Tch, no wonder your face is terrible. That girl exaggerates everything she does. Come on, walk faster and maybe I will make you look less… laughable and more acceptable in normal society.”

  
  


“Why you transferred?” You ask, curious, but not really. You both were looking at the clouds in the roof before your question. You have no idea why she keeps searching you, but you do not mind it so much.

Sasagawa is still looking at the clouds and she is older and guilty and appears like she carries the world in her shoulders. It is not good way to her to look. She is not less pretty when she is like it, but she is breakable in ways you did not expected and it is a surprising feeling the way you do not want her to look like it. “There was… an accident. Some of the older boys didn’t liked Ryouhei-nii and they decided to pick on me in some form of revenge. Brother found us before they could do much, and then they started fighting. It wasn’t a fair fight and Ryouhei-nii is in the hospital now.” She whispers and she sound guilty all the way. It is not right for her to be guilty. “The boys got suspended, but our parents decided to put us in another school.”

“This sucks. You know it isn't your fault, right? These older guys are the ones wrong in this story. I too was in the hospital some time ago because of my lungs, but it’s boring just staying there. At least you are okay.” You decide to share a bit of your experience being there and try comfort her. You are not sure what is the right thing to say and how much you are willing to share, but some bits are okay for you. Specially when you discovered a rabbit-cloud.

“Yeah, but I am really worried for Brother. He likes to pick fights way too much.” Sasagawa keeps herself quiet for a moment and you have chosen to answer her comment but she beats you to it. “ And it is my fault, you know. If not for me, Ryouhei-nii would not be hurt. If I was just less gullible, nothing would have happened. So it is my fault, it is alright Kurokawa-chan, I already accepted it.” She smiles and it is sad and not acceptable because victims are not the responsibles for actions of someone against them.

You sits because this is serious and looks at her face, “Nope. No.  _ No.  _ You will now unnaccept it, because you cannot accept wrong things. See, I still don’t know so much about it, but law says if someone was robbed, it is the robber’s fault and he is the only one which committed the crime against someone’s property. It does not matter if the victim forget their house open or were talking in their phones or walking in shady places. The victims are victims. The fault is not theirs. So no, you don’t get to be guilty about something you did not. I mean, you shouldn't. You didn’t landed him in the hospital, you didn’t punch him in the head or where the sun doesn’t shine or something like it. So nope, not your fault.” You finishes and smiles and maybe you are evil but you relish in proving people wrong. You are seriously considering being a lawyer just because it.

She does not answer immediately and you thinks she is analyzing your words. You are proven right. “ Is unnaccept even a word?” Not in the way you expected, but you are still right, so it counts.

“It’s now. I am ranting here and you focus on a new word? That is it, I am not doing it for you again.”

“...thanks.” She does not sound so much convinced but it is nice of her part saying it and she smiles, so it is better than before.

“And you could learn to kick your brother’s butt Sasagawa, so he is against you and not some random stranger.”

“As if.” She snorts but smiles. “ Besides, I prefer ballet and he boxing.”

“Whatever you say. But an ballerina kicking some boxer’s butt sounds pretty cool to me.” You snickers at the mental picture and Sasagawa laughs too.

  
  


“Nee, Kurokawa-chan, what  you read so much about? Everytime I look at you have a book with you!”

“Things.” You shrugs. “Manuals, animals, plants, history, fairy tales, mythology, love, adventures… It depends of my mood, really.”

“Ohh, cool! I like more love stories and fairy tales, but other things are alright too, I guess. What tale is your favorite?”

“Hmmm…” Tricky question. They entertain you, and sure, you like them, but a favorite? “ Dunno. The Beauty and the Beast is nice.”

“Book girl rejected by her peers it is your piece of cake? Sounds like you.” She makes a startled gasp and puts a hand on her mouth. “Sorry, it was completely out of place. Please, forgive me.” Sasagawa bows formally to you. It is… surprising. If she had a mean bone in her, you would throw the words back, laced with poison. But this girl is honey and has no bones. It is easy to forgive her right now, but you don’t forgot it.

“Get up Sasagawa, it is alright. You are good and nice and is not trying to hurt me. Except, if you was, this was a shit attempt.”

“Kurokawa-chan! Please, do not swear! It is bad!”

“Well, good girls do not swear because it is bad for them, right? And it is alright to say shit. I shit, you shit, our families shit, the bulls shit, everyone shites. Even babies. It is not really bad.”

“Yes! It is really bad! Mama says good girls are nice and soft and don’t swear! They know how to cook and do house chores and they are never angry or furious! They keep their tempers in check and never complain and are always beautiful! And you have to be a nice girl if you want a husband Kurokawa-chan.” She says it with so much faith and you have to blink. And blink again to be sure there is not sparkles in the background. There is none, even if you were certain there  _ was. _

“Well, I am not a good girl. I am evil, so it is alright if I swear or if I am selfish, because I am not good. Besides, why would I want a husband? Mom hasn’t one and she is good like this. Sure, marriage would be nice and all, but it is not like I want one.” More people to love and kill you? No, thank you.

“ _ But every girl needs a husband! _ Every one! Even your mother should need one. Something is wrong if she doesn’t. And what you mean you are evil? You are good and maybe you are quiet and sometimes you throw people mean looks, but you are good!”

Oh, it is not where you expected to find yourself in but it happens. “Look, Mom swears a lot when she is hurt and she is still good and nice and awesome. She doesn’t  _ need _ a husband. Maybe you would like one and I don’t give a shit about it, it is your life, so stop trying say what me or my mother need or want. We have voices to say our desires and needs.” You know how to hurt people with your words. It is always a choice when you don’t. But now you are angry and your rage is out. “ It is a shame, you sounded a lovely girl before, it seems I was wrong. You are rotten. A rotten, rotten girl. Now, excusing me or not, this is where I find my way back home.” You turn and even if Kyouko is crying now, you feel not an amount of guilt. Instead it is fury flowing your veins, making every step hard and slightly painful but you don’t waver. How dare she trying dictate how you or Mom should live? How dare this honey girl to try interfere in your lives? Whom she thinks she is? 

It is when you decides stop talking with this girl. Honey can be too much sweet for you.

  
  


It has been a week since you and Sasagawa chatted. You still sit near, but now the girl does not look at your face. It is kind of frustrating, because you have been training glares in the mirror and developed one which conveyed ‘You-are-deceptionating-I-expected-better’ and it is tiresome when your efforts are useless. But maybe if you did not changed your paths to do not meet her anymore you would have an opportunity to use your new glare. Shame.

You are trying to write with your left hand when someone approaches you. “K-Kurokawa-san, p-please forgive me.” Oh. Sasagawa is here. Should not she be in running with the rest of the class? You are dispensed and can just sit at the bench, but she lot be here. Slowly, because Mom said it is unnerving, you stop writing and turns your face to meet hers, looking down-upside. You are not expecting the crutches or the platcher in her right leg.

“What the heck happened to your leg?”

“Uhm...Er, I fell from the stairs Saturday?” She is fidgeting and nervous and obviously lying and you should not intervene because this is not your business but you liked Sasagawa. It was nice chat with her and she  _ heard  _ you, not made just polite conversation. She was a good acquaintance.

“Are you trying to convince me no one did it you? Maybe you really fell from the stairs...but maybe someone pushed you and did it look like an accident.” She flinches and maybe you should be gentler, but you do not know how to be. Your mother would know, but you are not her so the only thing you can do is pry and poke. “So…  whom did it?”

“W-why would you think I didn’t just fell?”

“Why you’re trying lie to me?” You counter crossing your arms and glaring. This one is the ‘whom-the-heck-you-think-I-am’ and you have proudly mastered it the last year.

Kyouko tries to resist but your glare is terrifying and awesome, so she just cast her eyes down and sits besides you. “How did you know it? Everyone believed me.”

“First of all, you’re an awful liar. Really, really awful. You have to improve your lying skills. Maybe if you were crying or more downcast it would be more effective. Second, I know this school and how people here works. You’re nice and popular and  _ new _ and it’s probably someone thought you are dangerous to them and tried to hurt you. Or warn, whatever. They must be trying...show you your place or whatever bullshit is their excuse this time. I don’t care. Name or names. Now.”

“Promise tell no one? Not your mom, not a teacher, not my parents, no one.” You roll your eyes. You know what no one means, thank you very much.

“Yeah, I promise.”

“ I didn’t see someone, but there was a weight moving my backpack and after I fell I heard laughter and then everything was black. Nomura-sensei found me later. I- I am sorry.” Oh no, she is crying again. You don’t know how to deal with crying people. And this time you cannot just abandon her. It is not right. “I- I was real- really bad back then I tr-tried to say how you should mak-make things and live yo-your lives and I felt aw-awful after it and it was emb-embarras-embarrassing talking with you later and and-and-and I was going apologize Sat-Saturday, but then som-someone just  _ ruined it  _ and I was in the hosp-hospital and th-this  _ is not fair  _ I am good and nice and always follow wh-what Mama says but this made you  _ angry  _ and you are co-cool and know cool things and I just- I just- I just wanna be friends and be nice with every-everyone and why they hate me?! It is not f-fair, why I cannot have friends?!”

Woah. What you should do? Maybe say everything is alright and say no one you know hates her. Or offer advice? Or just hit her neck, make her sleep and let her in the bench? Nah, way too much asshole. Maybe you should push her to be friends with someone? Just scream until something happens? Ugh, you were not ready to dealt with this kind of situation. And you cannot be her friend either. This is way above your  paygrade, like the adults say. Except you have no paygrade, which makes this situation worse. “Look, let’s make a deal: you can hang out with me again until you make a friend, okay? That way no one will ambush you again. But I wanna-” Well, you really don’t want anything, but deals are based in principles of giving and receiving, so you have to ask for something. “-invitations for your ballet concerts, when your leg is better. And you cannot say what me or my family  _ should _ do, but you can make suggestions. Sounds good to you?”

“A-alright.”

  
  


Sasagawa turns to you when you both give the teacher the assignments. She smiles and offers you some new sweet she and her mother were trying to do. “Cookies?”

“Sure.” You eat a bit. It is delicious and melting in your mouth. “ It is good. You improved so much compared to the last month.”

“I feel both kinda of offended and proud at the same time, so I am sticking with thanks. What you write when it asked what you would like to be?”

“ A lawyer, like my Mom. And a engineer too. Maybe a scientist if I could too. I would like too to become a powerful witch or a fairy, just like Maleficent and when people said I wasn’t invited to a  _ public event _ I totally would curse them instead of their babies. Even if all babies do is cry, shit and eat.”

“ You are still angry about this?” She laughs when you make a face. Of course you are still angry, it was outrageous and downright rude. “I think you would be a good lawyer. I mean, you just know how to explain your point good enough to convince people you are right. You convinced Maleficent’s actions were justified and even if I think is wrong curse babies, I can sympathize with her because your arguments.”

“Thanks. And you? What you would like to be?”

“A prima ballerina. It is my dream to dance Swan Lake in France like Odette.” Her smile is soft and fragile. A year her passed since she transferred and you decided you like her enough to keep her. You are careful with soft things and dreams are in this category. Alright, she wants be a prima ballerina? You will help her to become one.

“Prima is the principal, right? And you think in other options? I mean, I want to be four or five thing, it depends if you count witches and fairies as magical being or separate them. So Odette, any other choices?” You tease her and eat more cookies. Delicious. You mentally pat your back. Excellent choice in keeping her.

“Yeah, it is. Remember when I did The Nutcracker? I wasn’t one of the principals, but I conquered a place good enough that time so it was okay. And another option…” She closes her eyes and make a pout. Right, she is thinking. “A police officer. So I could catch the bad guys.”

“Sounds good to me. You should just be both but sticking to ballet, you know? I will even buy first-class seats for your fancy dancing. And I will call my mom and my cousins too.”

“Wait, you have cousins? Plural?”

“Yeah, they are part of dad’s family but they exist.”

“Wait, you have a dad?!”

  
  


“Why are you using a mask, Hana-chan?” Sasagawa looks really worried and is twisting her fingers behind her back, keeping her eyes on you. Huh.

“Doc recommended a medicine to make me coughing. It just would be awful if I started to cough in your neck or in my phone.” You make a face. Ugh, now you are imagining blood, mucus and flowers tainting your phone. “ Forget it, it would be gross. And atrocious.”

“Why should you cough?”

“My disease, remembers Odette? Lungs without enough space to operating at full capacity. My respiration is really bad these days, so the doctor think if I cough enough, it should make me better until the surgery.” It is. You have to keep pausing when you are talking excitedly or walking to some place to another and just existing is making you tired.

“Surgery? Hana-chan, this is really serious! It’s alright to you be walking to school? You will be okay after it?

“After the surgery, you mean? It is not a cure, but I will be better for the next two years after it, at least.” It worked that way before. You just started to feel tired and needing more air after you are ten, two years after the surgery. And no blood if you keep drinking the medicine. “If I keep drinking it, I can postpone the  surgery for a year and still be okay.” You coughs a bit and it is not surprised when daisies escape. You lick and eat them. Kind of gross, but you cannot just discard them with Sasagawa next to you. “See, it’s working. Worry not, I will be alive and kicking in the next years.”

“Alright, but gimme your bag, I am carrying it for you until you are better.” She extends her hand and looks so serious and determined. You coo internally. 

“Cute, be my princess in armor.” You pass her the bag and you keep walking to school.

  
  


“Hana-chan?”

“Yes?”

“You’re twelve, right?”

“Yeah, my birthday was last month, remember? Dad gave me a new phone and Mom a necklace. You was so mad because I forgot to tell you it was my birthday. But what about it?”

“You can say fudge but the real word instead of fudge?”

“Why do you think so?”

“Before, you said you curse in a age friendly way. So, our law states we can say yes or no to making love when we are twelve. So, you can say it?”

“ I’ve never thought about it before, gimme a week to answer.”

 

“I am sticking to fudge. It’s possible I am doing it permanently.”

“Why?”

“Don’t see the appeal in sex. I am supposed to look at people and think ‘Wow, they are sexable!’? Or it’s sexy the right word? I just don’t see why I would do it. I don’t see people that way.”

“Not even with the person you love?”

“I could consider, but I don’t think I will be interest in it. Like, ever.”

“Oh.” Sasagawa nods like you answered some really difficult question. “Alright”

  
  


“I think...sometimes mothers are wrong. I don’t like it.”

“It happens.” You shrugs. “Mom thinks until today my favorite color is blue. It isn’t. I have no favorite. But why do you think so?”

“Because sometimes Mama says things which are not right. She sees something but I see another and my eyes are alright so maybe she could be wrong. But if she is wrong, who will say to me what is right and what is not? If I cannot trust Mama, whom I can trust Hana-chan?”

“... well, this is way deeper than I imagined. Gimme a moment to gather my thoughts." You take some deep breaths and start talking. "People could be wrong. People must be wrong sometimes, otherwise they wouldn’t be people at all. Even I am wrong. But not frequently, thank you very much.” She snickers at the end of the sentence. Yeah, she knows you hate to be wrong. “Knowing important people to us are wrong sometimes doesn't mean we should stop trusting them or their opinions. But means we have our own opinions and sometimes we should trust ourselves more than what they say. It is part of growing up or something like it. Big girl panties and all.”

“I think the right expression is big girl pants. But thanks.”

“Sure, whatever.”

  
  


“Odette, I need you help.” The bathroom is small. It was this small before? Oh shit, is your skirt dirty? No wonder you stomach was hurting. It wasn’t your stomach.

“Sure, I can try. What do you need me to do?”

“Search in the internet what to do when you are bleeding.”

“It isn't best if we go to the nurse?”

“Odette, I am a thirteen years old girl bleeding in my clothes. I am pretty sure this happened to someone before and they put something in the internet about it.”

“... You are right. Well, welcome to puberty, Hana-chan!”

“Bloody shit.”

  
  


“Hana-chan?” 

Sasagawa calls when you are nearly asleep. Ugh, it is way after midnight and sure you like being awake after this time, but normally you would have slept in the afternoon, something you did not, because you are in the Sasagawa’s house. So you are really tired and not sure whether or no you wanna talk. “Hn?”

“We’re friends, right?” There is something indecipherable in her voice right now. Or you are just really without energy enough to decipherate.

Oh shit, it will be a heavy conversation if she started it with that phrase. “Yeah.”

“So why you never calls me Kyouko-chan? Just Odette?” Oh, dear.

“I… don’t use ‘chan’ for people I like.” It is heavy in your tongue, that admission. It is true, though. “Most people in my short life used chan when they are trying making me small. Like I was just a child or a teenager and because of it me or what I said should not be considered. Mom never called me Hana-chan.” You snort, because this brought you a memory. “When I was little she called me princess, Hana-hime. But when I was seven I made her call me a queen for months. And when I was eight I made her promise to call me ‘evil overlady’ as my birthday wish until my next birthday. She did it.”

“Just you, to wanna be an evil overlady when you’re a kid.” You recognize the smile in her teasing tone. “I ain’t making you uncomfortable for all these years, I am? Calling you Hana-chan?”

“Gosh, no. It’s alright. It just me using chan as a passive-aggressive way to talk people. I wasn’t - forget it, I am not - sure if you are okay with me just calling you Kyouko, so I just stick to calling you Odette. You don’t like it?” Now you are uncertain. You never questioned yourself whether she liked it or no. You should have asked it before.

“Oh no, I quite like it Hana-chan! Silly, you just have to ask. Of course you can call me Kyouko, you’re my best friend after all.” You are pretty sure she is beaming in the dark, a really strange phenomena just her can do and happens sometimes. You do not question it. You have flowers in your lungs, Kyouko shines sometimes and Mom is incredible. These are your unquestionable truths.

“Right. You can call me Hana too. It is only fair. But now be quiet, I am tired.”

“Sure. Goodnight Hana.”

“Night Kyouko.” 

  
  


(You noticed there are some big petals sometimes. They have different flavor, but they were not much and you could never analyze them when you were alone, because apparently you wasn’t coughing them when you are alone which is unfair and shitty. So when you found  _ wood  -  _ and what the heck is happening inside you?- you are worried. You say it to the doctor in your next visit. She asks for some new exams and for you stop your medication.

Turns out there is a new flower in your lungs. You are surprised but not really when you discover it. And they are cherry blossoms too, which is acceptable. At least they aren’t roses. Or cactus. Kyouko has gained space in your heart, why not in your lungs too?

Still, the flowers are pink. It’s so Kyouko. She is kind of a weed too. And honey. But you don’t have a way to grow honey in your lungs, which is very good.

You are not sure whether you should talk to her about your illness or not. Maybe when you both are older? The doctor just shrugs when you ask her. It’s your choice to tell or not kiddo, it is you life, she says. It is a nice speech, but do not help you so much.)


End file.
